Supporting Children in the Wake of Trauma

By: Wendy Mattner, MA, Consultant, Counselor, & Coach

It was a Monday morning, one short school week away from Christmas break. As the day dawned, life began as normal for the families, students, and staff at a Christian school in the mid-west; there were bellies to fill with a hot breakfast, lunches to make, pets to care for, and plans to make. Excitement filled the air as Christmas festivities and parties were getting close and were the topic of energized discussion.

But the day did not go as expected. By noon that very same day, there was breaking news announcing that there had been a shooting at the school. The story was breaking, but there was little information. It would be hours before anyone would know the extent of the damage. And it would be hours before families were reunited. 

The nation joined this community in watching and waiting. In disbelief, minds turned to the souls that were suffering in the midst of this tragedy. There were so many people, administrators, students, faculty, staff! How many casualties were there? How many were wounded? 

It's hard to describe what that day was like for so many; the horror, the despair, the anger...how could such a thing be happening? But that is just the beginning of the trauma.

As the day unfolded, and the realities began to settle in, lives were touched by losses that they would never have fathomed early that Monday morning.  For so many, the world was rocked on that fateful day. The trauma of the shooting stripped away any sense of safety and stability. Life was turned upside down in so many ways.

Here we are in the aftermath of this horrific event. Now, let's turn our attention towards the survivors. While people of all ages endured the atrocities of this event, as school leaders, teachers, and parents, the children are our priority. How can we help our children in the wake of such horror?

Most importantly, we need to reassure them that they are safe. Trauma leaves people feeling very overwhelmed, powerless, and vulnerable. For this moment in time, the child's world felt out of control, and this feeling of being "out of control" is one of the most terrifying of human experiences. In response, children need to understand that you are there to protect them. Talk to them about how you will protect them...what additional safeguards have been put into place? As you engage in talking with them, more opportunities will open up for you to talk with them about what actually happened that day and discover their ongoing fears.

We also need to be astute and looking for behaviors that indicate your child might be reacting to the trauma. Children are less equipped than adults to handle distress. They have not yet learned language or have the maturity to figure this all out on their own, and their distress is often observable and often presents itself as poor behavior. A trauma response might manifest itself as anger or impulsivity. Another response might be behavior regressions like bedwetting or thumb sucking, or there might also be physical ailments like stomach aches. It's important to connect the dots from these "symptoms" to the trauma so that you can provide appropriate care. In the wake of trauma, it is important to remember that "this behavior is not the child." 

As a parent, of course you are going to have to address the poor behavior, but this is going to take wisdom, discernment, time, and patience. If your child has experienced trauma, they need you to stay calm. You will need to slow down your reactions so that you can respond to your child's behaviors gently while tending to the underlying causes for their inappropriate choices. So, for example, if you find that your child is having trouble going to sleep at night, resist the urge to approach this as a behavioral issue and consider the fact that they might be afraid! You cannot discipline fear out of a child. We need to shepherd our children, seeking to understand their hearts and their reactions. We need to develop a plan to support them in their suffering.

No matter what the age, be curious about how trauma impacts a person. After trauma, your comfort, support, and shepherding can make a child feel safe and loved. Research tells us that a nurturing relationship with a caregiver is more valuable and impactful to a child's recovery than the best counseling. You play a vital role in your child's healing. So, speak clearly to your child. Express your desire to hear about how they are doing. Let them know that you are there for them, even when they are out of sorts and struggling. Your child needs you to engage with them, pointing the way toward hope and healing.

Remember that small conversations are better for children! Don't overload them with words; sometimes you just need to "be" with them. Snuggle up with them or get down on their level and talk to them when they are relaxed while playing or drawing, for example.  Create the opportunity and encourage them to tell the story of what happened to them.  Children need to tell their story more than once in order to make sense of it. And as your child tells you the story, jump in to help them sort it out. They may need you to help them to reframe the events and/or correct misconceptions and faulty thinking. Expect lots of and sometimes repeated questions. Remember that sometimes you won't have an answer for a question that they ask you, and it's okay for you to say that you don't know! 

We don't always know why suffering happens. Sometimes, all we know is that we have a Savior who helps us in the midst of our suffering. It is in the comfort of that truth we find strength to help. You want your child to know that they are not alone; you will walk with them. And the same is true for you; God hears, He helps, He strengthens, and He provides for us and our children, even in the midst and in the wake of trauma. 

Press on; healing will come. 

Wendy Mattner has more than 20 years of experience in the fields of education and consulting. She has a Master's in Christian Counseling and has overseen a Biblical Counseling Ministry.